Babbles of a Lover and a Fighter

So…I was talking with some friends awhile ago and we came up with some movies from our childhood that if watched today would be pretty messed up…therefore, I bring you: TWCMUCM (This Week’s Creepy, Messed Up Childhood Movie). *trumpets blare*

This week, we have Thumbelina.  This 1994 film features music by the one and only Barry Manilow and has the most ridiculously awesome voice of Jodi Benson, aka Ariel from The Little Mirmaid, Atta from A Bug’s Life, Barbie Tour Guide in Toy Story 2, and (most awesomely) Tula from The Pirates of Dark Water.

Synopsis

Thumbelina is this tiny thumb-sized, 16-year-old girl who thinks no one in the world is like her.  After being tucked in post-fairy royalty story reading, Thumbelina sings her little pea-sized heart out about finding someone her size or something to that effect.  Prince Cornelius, drawn to the cottage by the wee-one’s mesmerizing voice, says hello and scares the bajeesus out of her.  After he takes her for a ride on his bumble bee (no, it’s not a euphemism…it’s literally a bumble bee), he hears his mother calling and flies away, but not before promising to visit Thumbelina the next day.  That night, this CREEPER frog-gypsy kidnaps her and says he wants to marry her because of her voice.  Thumbelina tries to get to the Land of the Fairies before the first frost hits, but runs into other super creepers like Mr. Beetle (who is dressed kind of like a pimp, cane and all…and who actually is the voice of Iago from Aladdin), Mr. Mole (who also plays Mr. Ollivander in the HP series), Mrs. Toad (this woman…egads.), and Ms. Fieldmouse.  And she keeps running into people who want to marry her and kidnap her and call her “Toots” or “Tuts” or however you spell it.  And blahblahblah, snow falls, the prince is captured in a block of ice, Thumbelina is about to marry the mole, fighting, cave-in, Land of the Fairies, theylivehappilyeveraftertheend.

Reaction

Alright.  I understand this is a kid’s movie.  Okay, the music is sort of catchy.  Okay, there are quasi-lovable characters like the little kid bugs who know what’s going on with everyone.  But WHY are there always old nasty men after this sweet, innocent girl?  And WHY are there old nasty women trying to set up marriages for Thumbelina with these old nasty men?  And WHY is Thumbelina getting married when she is 16 to a fairy kid she’s only known for a few days???  Take a look at the movie poster:

WTF, creepers EVERYWHERE.

5 of the 8 characters are either trying to kidnap her, get her to be in an inter-species marriage, or use her in God knows what fashion.  Like I said, creepy.

1. Baby Bug, Gnatty, and Li’l Bee – What cute names! Okay, these bug kids are alright.  They actually try and help her get away from the weirdos, and one of them has an adorable little voice (who turns out to be Rosie from A Troll in Central Park…another CMUCM, but for another time).
2. Mrs. Toad – Again, this woman. *shudder*  She basically wants Thumbelina to marry her son (6) so their traveling show can become famous.  Just plain greedy and manipulative, not to mention she has terrible hair.
3. Jacquimo – Okay, this guy wasn’t so bad either.  Always talked about following your heart and stuff.  Kind of one track minded, but he meant well.
4. Mr. Beetle – Creeper extraordinaire.  Dude with the pimp cane.  Calls Thumbelina “Toots” and kidnaps her for his show.  Pedophile.  Superficial.  Aggressive.  Degrading.  Even has the creeper stash.  Eegh.
5. Mr. Mole – Blind.  Lonely.  Forceful.  Obese.  Major widow’s peak hairline.  Also has a pimp cane.  Almost ends up marrying Thumbelina.  I forgot why he wanted to marry her in the first place, but I’m 100% sure it was creepy.
6. Either Grundel, Mozo, or Gringo – There were 3 brothers, I think, and I forgot which of those horrific names is #6.  Pedophile with a creeper stash.  And he’s dressed like a CLOWN.  Missing teeth.  Tongue is always out.  Fat.  Gross.
7. Ms. Fieldmouse – Wants to force Thumbelina to marry Mr. Mole.  Outdated clothing.  Homebody.  Busybody.
8. Prince Cornelius – Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome.  Means well, though.  Falls in love fast and hard.  But what can you expect when you’re a Fairy Prince in a Hans Christian Andersen tale?

Alright, so basically, I think this movie is creepy and messed up because of all of the creepers.  Sure it supposedly teaches young girls not to go into show business according to the NYT Review, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that it’s still creepy and messed up.

Until next time, stay away from creepy bugs and animals with pimp canes.